12:54 a.m. - 2006-03-06
I've made a monumental mistake. In December, I had a 2 week whirlwind romance--we were both in the same place-on the fast track to the rest of our lives. For me, that's fucking nuts-I don't really give a shit about many men, much less enough to go as far as I did with him in such a short time. THen one day, he didn't show up for our lunch plans and I didn't hear from him again. No returning of my calls, no texts, no emails. So clearly the right thing to do was to call in one of my worthless little boys to make me feel better about myself. I fucked him a couple times, but only to make me feel like I didn't need anyone. I waited for at least a month for Greg to call or to show up at my door or to hear that he had been in some accident or had a death in the family or something. Anything that would make it all better. Anything that would explain why he disappeared and that he loved me and we would move on from there. In the midst of that wait, I started dating another guy-my fill in the blank. My hold-me-over-until-Greg-comes-back guy. Then-a month after my last contact with Greg, he sends me a text message. "Sorry-I just can't right now". As if that was enough. I texted him back- asking if he really thought that was enough. There was some texting but still no explaination. I thought that was it. All the closure I needed. The hard proof that there was no emergency--that he wasn't who I thought he was. And so in a fit of mania, suddenly fill in the blank guy and I got a house together. And now, Another month later-I'm miserable. I want him to go away. He's not who I'm supposed to be with. I wasn't ready, I haven't moved on-I haven't had closure-I'm not even close to over Greg. As heartless as he seems to be, it still feels like he is my one. I didn't even feel this way about my ex-husband. The last time I was this devastated about a break up was 9 years ago when I finally left the other man I thought I was supposed to marry. I still cry over him-not for me though- I have gotten over him-but for the daughter that we planned together and he abandoned after I left him for being a drunk. Hmmm...maybe there inlies my answer...I will get over Greg. ANd maybe then fill in the blank won't be such a burden after all.
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