11:37 a.m. - 2004-09-24
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This is the hardest decision I will ever have to make. I know it doesn't seem like much, but the truth is that it is huge. For the better part of my life, I have been the unavailable one. I married and divorced a man that I didn't love. I spent three years afterwards dating men with no intention of having any type of relationship. I only went out with them at all because, after all, a girl's gotta eat. But then, low and behold, I met someone that changed my mind. It happened without warning, as I hear it often does, but it was a pleasant suprise. I felt what I had heard people talking about but had always laughed at. I just knew. I just knew that he was the one for me. It felt so cliche. Like my whole life had been leading up to that. But now, after a short five months that feels like forever, he tells me that he's not sure that our relationship will ever progress further than it is now. So now I am at a crossroads, if you will. Do I end the relationship, and get out with minimal pain, or continue and see what happens? I can't even say that I wish I knew sooner that he was emotionally scarred. The truth is that had I known, I would have missed out on what we have shared. But can I now continue on knowing that it may never lead to eternal bliss? On one hand I have the philosophy that although the sky may fall when I walk outside, I still go out there and take my chances because the risk is worth the gamble. On the other hand, I have taken precautions for most of my life to avoid this very situation. So, do I take the risk or fall back on my safety net? And how do I make this decision? He suggests that maybe we see where it goes, or maybe we take a cue from Ross and Rachel and take a break--after all, he says, she didn't get on the plane. But how can this be it for us when I know that this is IT for me? I wish that this was one of my friends' problem. I would know just what to say. But for me, I don't know what to do. I am split down the middle. Each time I start to lean in one direction, something brings me back in the other direction. I wish that there was some smoking gun in all of this to ensure me that I am making the right choice. But either way I choose, I am potentially making a decision that I will regret for a long time to come, possibly the rest of my life. If I choose to end this now, I will never know and will wonder forever if I made the right choice. But if I choose to stay and see what happens, I will know sooner than later if I was right. So I will ask him, in the words of Tracy Chapman, to give me one reason to stay. And I will know with certainty that I have made the right choice.
